Crushing Through Math: A Teen Girls’ How-To

November 30, 2011

Breaking News, Humor

The principles of “crushing” are discussed on many levels during the term of a female teenager.

Some are theoretical in nature – such as comparisions between the relative attractivness of famous men; others bridge the divide – an example being conversations about whether a boy has amorous feelings for certain girl.

One of the most important topics, however, is whether or not certain girl actually likes the boy. Are they “just friends”? Or is it meant for something more? However trivial these questions may seem, they occupy a great portion of time, and should be dealt with accordingly.

The easiest and most effective way to solve this problem is through math. Input certain variables into a pre-set equation and out shall come a plottable answer. It is simple, elegant, and takes less time than painting your nails.

Honesty is integral to the accuracy of this equation.


The first task is to analyze aspects of your infatuation. Calculate the number of hours in a day spent with the boy in question (variable t). Then calculate the number of times you smiled during that time (variable s). This, naturally, will be an approximation. The final aspect will be the number of hours spent thinking about this boy (variable p).

Now you must delve into the less readily accessible, and produce the number of symptoms you have while around this boy. Symptoms range in variety and size; anything from excessive smiling to sweaty palms to thinking he’s the greatest guy in the universe would be considered applicable. Identify this number (variable n )with accuracy, as it is critical to the ultimate result.

The equation will look like this: n(t+s+p). For those who don’t quite understand what to do now, simply add variables t, s, and p together, then multiply the result by variable n.

Having done the above steps correctly, you should now be left with a number to be refered to as e.


The next part of this process in to identify the number of restrictions surrounding this boy. Are there classical restrictions – religious affiliations, family ties, ethnic backgrounds? Probably more likely, are there social restrictions? Does your friend like him, does he like your friend? Is he married? Restrictions are anything you would consider a reason not to date them – decide those for yourself. The number of these restrictions will be considered variable r.

On a scale of One to Ten, decide the average severity of these restrictions. One, of course, holds very little weight; something to the effect of his dislike of red socks could be considered a One. A Ten is the most severe; depending on your personality, a Ten could be that he is dating your sister, or best friend. Pick a number for each restriction, then average it out (variable m).

-mr+e=(a/e)100 would be the next part of the equation. To explain, take negative m and multiply it by r. Add that result to the answer of the previous equation, e, and that will give you the answer, namely variable a. The part after the equals sign is purely to find a percentage: divide a by e, then multiply it by 100.

Now comes the fun part.

Each quadrant represents a different set of percentages; Quadrant I, from left to right, is percentages 0 to 40, Quadrant II is 40 to 80, and Quadrant IV is 80 to 100. Quadrant III is slightly different in that it encompasses negative percentages, and ones that are undefined – if you had previously divided by zero.

The x-axis thus defined, we are left with the y. For each Quadrant, it can be divided into ten sections. The variable m would be inputed here.

The numbers, although fascinating on their own, mean nothing without context. Through analyzation, one can come up with the following assumptions.

Quadrant I appears to have relativley low levels of attraction and restriction. Those who find themselves in this section will not be encountering the end of the world if he goes out with someone else. It is comfortable enough to like someone at this level, though not particularly eventful.

Quadrant II, however, is more of a Harlequin sector. The high levels of attraction and restriction lead to interesting internal qualms, and will probably manifest themselves in untoward forms. It is probably the least rewarding to be in this area, though those who have the greatest to fall may also have the highest to rise.

For those who believe they truly like someone, yet find themselves in Quadrant III, I have nothing to say. The reasons for being in this section are that you have no symptoms around them, or that the restrictions substantially outweigh the attraction. It will be friends in this section, not boyfriends.

Quadrant IV is one of blissful infatuation. You can think of it as the Teenage-Romance quadrant. Real life has yet to intrude, and those happy females seem to be walking around in a rose-tinted bubble. This may be irritating for friends, but eternally enjoyable for those involved.

And there you have it, a visual representation of your feelings for the individual of your interest. With time and experience, utilizing this equation shall become as simple as scribbling on a piece of scrap paper.

Though, of course, it would be best if we never had to use it at all.

Grace Kennedy, Writing Major

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