Humour: New Driver

June 24, 2012

Breaking News, Humor, Writing

In my opinion I’m a nice driver, a very nice driver. I do school speed limits on Saturdays, go last at every four way intersection and  let people into my lane, waving with a smile just out of common courtesy.

I’m a proper driver. The kind of driver old people wish the world had more of, a gentleman driver. Unfortunately, the standard road test for British Columbia does not test on manners but on, well, actual driving. Which I cannot do.

I’ve failed my road test four times. Even after taking lessons. I couldn’t park if my life depended on it. It hurts when after ten minutes of driving with an instructor, he asks you to pull over to walk back to the test center. Meanwhile, you stand back and watch all your friends celebrating passing their tests on the first try. While you ride your bicycle.

I don’t even know what I should work on the most; all four tests were failed for different reasons and each examiner contradicted the others’ advice.

The first road test I had was just a disaster. I failed it within the first five minutes – for being unable to back up in a straight line and missing three signal lights. My examiner laughed at me.

On the second try, I swerved across three lanes without shoulder checking to make a left hand turn that I had almost missed. Happy that I hadn’t driven past the turn, I turned to look at my instructor, his face colorless.

My third test was the worst by far. At the moment, I’m still in an insurance battle with the man I side-swiped while making a right hand turn. Unfortunately, my examiner isn’t on my side.

After the third try, my father finally bought me lessons, thank the lord. So I practiced hard until I could back up into a space without scratching a car and drive through residential areas without the risk of hitting children.

I thought I was ready for my fourth test, most definitely the closest I’ve ever come to passing.  At the end of the test I took my sweaty palms off the wheel and waited impatiently for the final verdict.

The woman handed me my test. She told me that I had missed the speed limit sign, doing five over. All I could say to her was, “get out of my car.”

I’m going to ride the bus forever.

Alex Ivanovic

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